Let’s talk about it.
We spend a lot of time in kink spaces warning people about toxic Doms. And don’t get me wrong, those warnings are necessary. We’ve seen the damage that can come from unchecked power, entitlement, and manipulation wrapped in dominance.
But what we don’t talk about nearly enough… are suspect subs.
Yeah. I said it.
Because submission, just like dominance, can be faked, misused, or weaponized. And being a bottom or a sub doesn’t automatically make someone safe.
There are folks in this community who hide behind the identity of “submissive” to avoid accountability. Folks who use submission as a performance to gain access, sympathy, or clout, then flip the script when boundaries are enforced or things don’t go their way.
There are subs who top from the bottom, who bait and switch, who intentionally test limits to prove a point or stir chaos, who feign helplessness while controlling the entire dynamic. Subs who manipulate Doms emotionally, provoke scenes they aren’t ready for, or use tears and victimhood to dodge responsibility.
And let’s be clear: none of that is about authentic submission. That’s performance. That’s avoidance. That’s control disguised as surrender.
Submission is powerful. Sacred, even. But it’s not exempt from scrutiny just because it sits on the “receiving” side of the dynamic.
Being a sub does not absolve someone from the need for self-awareness, communication, or integrity.
Being a sub does not mean you are incapable of causing harm.
Being a sub does not mean your version of power isn’t power.
This isn’t about vilifying. It’s about balance. It’s about naming the truth that power flows in all directions. That manipulation doesn’t only come from the top. Just because someone is kneeling doesn’t mean they’re not holding the reins in their own way.
We need to get better at vetting all roles. Looking beyond titles. In recognizing that trust and safety are built through behavior, not labels.
So yes, watch out for predatory Doms.
And also? Be mindful of suspect subs.
Because the damage doesn’t only come from the ones holding the whip.
This is such a thought-provoking read. It’s refreshing to see someone address the complexities of power dynamics in kink spaces so honestly. I’ve always felt that the narrative around toxic behavior tends to focus solely on Doms, but you’re absolutely right—submission can be just as manipulative when misused. The idea of “topping from the bottom” is something I’ve witnessed but never really had the language to describe. It’s fascinating how you frame submission as both powerful and sacred, yet not immune to scrutiny. I wonder, though, how do we navigate these dynamics without fostering mistrust within the community? How can we encourage accountability on both sides while still maintaining the vulnerability that makes these spaces so unique? Your perspective has definitely given me a lot to think about.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I think a lot of it can be addressed through education and conversation. A lot of folks are out here without guidance, and I beleive in most instances the issues arise from ignorance not maliciousness. We need REAL non-judgemental spaces where we can share our mishaps and get redierection not condemnation. It is hard to admit your f*uck ups if you know or feel that they will be used against you versus to teach you. Accountability often feels like “I” am wrong verus I “DID” something wrong and feeling like something is wrong with “YOU” leads to shame and shame breeds silence.